Snow, Snow, Snow...

Snow, Snow, Snow...

Snow...It won't be long before we'll all be there with snow
Snow...I want to wash my hands, my face and hair with snow

I would like to replace those three words with Bugger, bugger, bugger. I have been watching to much of BBC shows. Can you tell?
Hopefully in my arrogrance I have not typed extrememly profane words on my blog forever archived by the library of congress.

But I thought it appropriate in this moment to quote that lovely song from White Christmas.
Can you beleive I made it through most of my life without seeing it? Well until my husband changed that. He was horrfied when I told him this once upon a time.
It is not that I despise winter, well by February I kind of do. It is more about getting around and shoveling. But I suppose I should be thankful for the car I have in which to get around and the health to shovel. It is pretty to see the streets after a new snowfall with that sparkle. I love visitng my friends home this time of year... I call it the Chritmas house (That is a nod to your decorating prowess S and G) And yes I do love Christmas lights and decorations; oh and snuggling in with a warm blanket. Let's not forget I do love wearing mittens. I don't know exactly why but I do....

Okay. Eh hm. And that five minutes have now passed.

Is it too early to dream of spring: peonies, thunderstorms, and birds chirping?

One Year Ago This Month

I recently realized with alarm that it had been several months since my last post. I made a promise to myself that if I were to start this thing called blogging I would be consistent. But alas I come to terms with the fact I almost never doing anything consistently besides of course drink coffee. Did I mention I drink lots of coffee?

There have been several times in which I wanted to let my thoughts tumble down into the clicks of the keyboard but when I would return to my blog, I would see the last post. A difficult time when we had to say goodbye to our puppy and I then would get lost in missing her and reminiscing.

But this time I decided especially because it is November, I will put my thoughts together and type an entry of significant importance to me.

One year ago this month we call November, my life changed.

I saw the first pictures of my daughter.

Her sweet face, smile and those mischievous clever eyes.
One year ago this month my husband and I became parents. Now, it was actually several months later that we brought her home but in our hearts, we committed to becoming her parents.

And it was a whirlwind month. I remember my husband having to travel to Chicago for work and wishing he was physically beside me as he and I began to get our heads wrapped around what was unfolding before us. Because of course, I went into typical Carrie mode attempting to figure out, plan and do everything that I thought needed to be done...all at once. And of course accomplishing nothing. Which led to my panic attack in the middle of Barnes and Noble. I remember that moment thinking...Gee my head is spinning, that loud rapid breathing is mine, oh crap I need to sit down before I fall over and pass out, take out a bookshelf or that person next to me just trying to pick out a pick unbeknowest that the chick next to them was about to unravel.

But you see, even though we waited almost seven years for this moment (seven years of up and down, hopeful and feeling hopeless) I still felt and asked myself, am I ready?

Will I be a good mom? Jared I had no doubt we be a great dad.
But what if I couldn't be the mom she needed? What if I did not have the answers or tools needed to be good parent?

Here is the thing I came to realize...are any of us really prepared for motherhood? Do any of us have it all figured out before we hold our child for the first time? I am guessing no. And I had so many questions regarding the loss she was about to experience. The loss of saying good bye to the women who had cared for her during her first year of life.
How would I help her grieve, then get used to us, to feel safe again, to feel loved when everything, I mean everything in her life was about to change. The faces of her caregivers she saw every day. Her friends in the orphanage she slept, smiled at cried with and played alongside of. The food she ate. The scenery she saw day in and out. The voices she became accustomed to and the language they spoke. And the surgeries she would be facing. How would I be able to do all this?

I couldn't really. All I could really do was love her. But I know realize that was the best thing I could do. Through each stage of getting to know us, eventually trusting us, feeling safe with us and now loving us. She has no choice but to take it a day at a time. Why should I not approach this the same way? And trust God would be there too in the thick of it with us?


I do not need to be Super-woman or Super-Mom. I need to be reminded of this daily. Because we put this burden on ourselves. Why? I am not exactly sure. These are the kinds of lessons I am learning. I will make mistakes as a mom.
All the time. I need to humble enough to ask for help. Ask God for his guidance for he will not leave me. It is okay to cry when I do fail. But try again.

Myla most of all needs us to LOVE her. And what a privilege that is. Everyday little by little I am learning what that means.

November, you will always have a place in heart.

Missing You, Sweet Spunky

We said goodbye to our sweet, sweet girl Spunky dog yesterday. I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be painful. But nothing can prepare you for the moment when you decide it is time. A heavy responsibility and so surreal the moment when they are gone.
Our hearts just in this moment want one more kiss, one more time to rub her ears her belly and one more time to snuggle, to throw her ball and watch her run. In her younger years boy, that dog could run and fast. But we are beginning to realize it will never be enough. To say I/we miss her is an understatement. A part of me is missing. A part of Jared is missing. We put so much of ourselves into her. The abscence of her presence is overwhelming.

But I look forward to the time when thinking of all the sweet moments, minutues and memories of her will bring comfort to us even joy for the 11 truly wonderful years we had with such a special being.

Some may scoff at this but I believe she is in heaven where tennis balls, swimming pools and lakes out number the stars. The attributes and traits of dogs are pure and good and unconditional. Through them we experience what is true and good.

Wise, sweet, curious, feisty, loyal, sensitive, joyful, playful and of course Spunky.

Jared and I will miss her and it will be hard. But we are so grateful for the gift of her.

Behind Our Eyes: Part one

When I began writing this blog my main motivation was to document our adoption journey; before we brought our daughter home and all the days, months and years after. It is also because I am in love with words, I am love with the magic of writing. Of language. Ink or should I say text on a page is enlightening, fascinating and when writing... a type of catharsis. I feel more connected to humanity and the human experience. Hoping that doesn't sound arrogant or full or fluff.
More than just words, I love stories. Words allow us stories. I enjoy learning about people and listening to their stories. I like to learn what is behind their eyes. And we all have stories, don’t we? This is not to say I have an innate right or a license to be nosey and know these stories. Unless, it is through the trust of friendship or someone else who needs to speak their heart, connect or simply to speak on a blog such as mine. It is important that we wait for permission to know their stories. It is important that we own our stories and share them when the time is right with the right people.
And I am thankful for the many in my life who do. Friends and those who are open to speaking thier stories on a blog.

Now, as a mother I find myself craving stories (amongst so many others) that give me a gleam into an adoptees heart. Like with many things in life we lose something to gain something.
Some of my questions include: Do they feel lost? What did/do they most struggle with? What can a parent do to help?
Many adoptees do share stories of identity loss and confusion. Many adoptees firmly state that they know who they are. Which one will Myla be?

And that is why I read. Soak in the words. Truly and sincerely try to empathize as much as I can so that I can understand (as much as anyone can who has not themselves experienced it).

So below are the words weighing on my heart if and when (when is more likely) my daughter might doubt herself.

I love you. Your dad loves you.
You have our love always, no matter what.
If we fail to love you well, know that doesn’t change that we love you with our whole being.
We are the lucky ones.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Please don’t be afraid to ask questions even if they hurt to ask.
If you find yourself in a dark place do not sit in silence. Do not stay in the dark. Let me sit there with you. Ask for help to turn on the light and help you speak the words.

You are beautiful.
You are brave.
Seek the truth.
God is with you.
Within in you are limitless possibilities.

And if anyone tells you different send them my way.

You are our beloved daughter.
And a million other thoughts I can't think of at this moment.

And while this next statment may sound contradictory, the words above don't quite cut it however they are pretty darn close to reavealing the condition of my heart so I will take it and speak and write the words anyway.

Oh Spunky, Our Time Is Too Short...

When I took two weeks off to care for my little girl Myla post surgery I did not realize I would begin spending the last days with my other girl, my sweet gorilla girl, my four legged sweetheart Miss Spunkers.

Let me start out by saying, I love her with my whole heart. Four legs, black silky fur, smart as a whip and the most amazing being. She is Jareds gal Friday and they have always been two peas in a pod. There is not a thing he would not do for her.

Now I know, they cannot live forever on this earth, no on can. But how do you prepare yourself to say goodbye to a piece of yourself?

Spunky started to show signs of aging for quite some time now. Her body has grown weaker but her spirit bright.
We started to notice something was really wrong right before our daughters palate repair surgery. We went to the vet and so began the first round of meds and the detective work to find out what was wrong. At first we though a parasite and thought okay, we can get her healthy again. But it was not to be. She started to lose her zest for eating all things tasty and needs coaxing just to eat. She wants to but she doesn't like her tummy to hurt. Every time the fridge opens click, click, click here comes Spunkers. Rotisserie chicken is her main stay (yes, our doggie has a refined palate and I will gladly give her what she wants).

At one point Jared would be feeding our daughter Myla by spoon, praising her after each bite for she did not appreciate the liquids only (doctors orders as her mouth heals) and I would simultaneously be hand feeding Spunky chicken praising her after each bite for simply eating.

There has been a lot of tears at our house.

It was during our last visit to the vet I started to let it sink in. And spoke the words, please help us during her last days so we know what to do. He nodded in understanding and I sobbed into Spunky's neck of thick black silky fur.
He gave us pain meds and something for her tummy to ease the discomfort. He did not believe she is in great pain but as we muddle through this, we want to be prepared.

Of course I asked him how will he know and he tenderly offered advice. At this point just prayers that we will know. We do not wish her to suffer (she is getting weak and losing weight).

But what a great weight it is to carry knowing that you have to be the one to decide.
But it is our job. She needs us to make it for her.

And so hear we are. Taking one day at a time. Soaking her in.
Spunky seems to save her energy for a few hours a day so we try and make sure she can do her favorite things...to play ball or swim; oh does she love to swim but then becomes so weak. We massage her body. Cover her in kisses. Tell her we are doing our best for her, thanking her for all the years, moments and minutes she was there for us. Myla loves Spunky too. Follows her. Always trying to give her a tennis ball, a treat, a pet or sit by her. This is so bittersweet.

For some who have never had a dog or pet...this may sound odd. But she took care of us.
Through our journey to have a family, job loss, sickness, struggles and triumphs.

How many people do you know that can comfort without saying a single word?
I believe dogs are gifts. They are mirrors of what love should look like. God created them and they are living breathing examples of patience (well unless a tennis ball is involved) loyalty, kindness, unconditional love.
They celebrate when we simply walk in the door.
They kiss our tears and try to lick them away.
They snuggle as if to say I am here, you are never alone.
They try to get us to enjoy the simple things.
They are grateful for their food and water (well unless table scraps are involved then they may raise the bar).
They forgive us when we are busy and are thankful and exzubratly so when we give them 10 minutes of our time.
They never hold grudges. Hmmm, sounds like someone I know who lives in the great upstairs...

And so who would have thought...my dog taught me how to be a better person.

Oh Spunky girl. These days will be tough but I am thankful to have them with you.

Thank You Ladies

I would like to take a moment to share a few things. I want to take a moment in which I can give words to the immense gratitude for the women in my life. I am not going to list names for I will inevitabley miss someone and I would not want anyone to think I have forgotten them or how they changed me.
This post will be about the gifts they have given me, how they have changed me for the better, every single one.

For making me laugh when I forgotten what it was like to really laugh. Tears streaming down your face, stomach hurts laugh.
I thank you.

For forgiving me when I did not deserve it
I thank you.

For extending grace when I made mistakes and say things out of fear or anger
I thank you.

For coming along side me in suffering and NOT pointing out the silver lining
I thank you.

For simply yet perfectly saying the right words to me during an unending winter...I am sorry to see you suffering, I am here for you
I thank you.

For listening to me even when I become extremely verbose
I thank you.

For listening to my worries over and over again and not growing tired of me or least pretending not to
I thank you.

For joining in on my sometimes ridicoulsy, sarcastic and inappropriate sense of humor
I thank you.

For not judging me when I share the ugliest parts of my heart
I thank you.

For encouraging me to pray and when I fail to, praying for me
I thank you.

For reminding me how my Father sees me and when I forget reminding me again
I thank you.

For encouraging me to join in and actively pursue this beautiful and maddening thing called life
I thank you.

For reminding me spring is coming when I have been chilled to bone
I thank you.

For reminding me to look beyond my own pain and comfort others
I thank you.

For helping me take some of my biggest life altering leaps
I thank you.

For being my friend
For just being marvelous you
No one has come before you or will after you who is just like you
God did that on purpose
And I am thankful for you.

The Last 48: Recap Style

My little girl is a brave cookie. I am sure that most parents believe this of our children. But again and again Myla amazes me. I also believe that if Myla had a super power it would be stubbornness. After morphine, benadryll, Tylenol with codeine she would not sleep for more than 10-30 minutes at a time..wait we did have an hour and a half where she surrendered and let her tired and wounded body rest. The poor nurse was baffled and in effort to add humor to the situation she told us " Good luck with her as a teenager. " The following day they eventually gave something to calm her anxiety and nerves and expected she would be mellow and sleepy in no time. Well...Miss Myla become more happy and energetic. She was walking up a storm.

Earlier that morning Myla wanted out of her hospital crib. It was 5:00 a.m. A few nurses offered to play with her while I laid down. I guiltily said okay and slept for about 30 minutes. Apparently during that time she made several friends. Greeting people at the desk. Playing and eventually falling asleep in a nurses arms. Of course they tried bringing her back into the room and her crib but after 10 minutes she wanted up again.

When dad came in (Jared had to care for our dog Spunky who has been ill, sigh) she was so excited. The combination of super dad and the medicine helped her back to more of her old self. We continued to take her on walks and rides in the wagon all the while greeting people as we went.

Eventually we were discharged and headed home. Myla feel asleep almost immediately in the car seat. We quickly zipped on over to grab some tasty Bahn Mi sandwiches to eat on the way home.

Once again I am humbled by the blessing of healthcare, the amazing staff at Gilettes and the prayers of family and friends. We are so thankful. Now the road to recovery, let's hope it starts with a good nights sleep.

Myla's Palate Surgery: part two

This is definitely the harder of her last two surgeries. But first of all, everything went well. Her hearing is good!
The surgeon was pleased with how her palate repair went as well.

Now we have been in her room for four hours. Effects of anesthesia and pain have made it hard for her to relax and sleep. She gets a couple minutes of sleep/whimpering then will cry and flail for awhile. This is the cycle we are in right now. The nurses have shared with us that most kids are groggy and sleep....no Myla. It is hard to help her through this but I know it is even harder on her.

She did drink a few ounces of her bottle which is good news. However is refusing more. She may need a new IV. Her old one got a clot in it so they wanted us to see if the bottle route would work well enough.

Myla's Palate Surgery: part one

Myla just was taken back to the OR to begin her palate surgery. She will also be undergoing a hearing test today.
She had a good time in the play area and was having a blast in pre-surgery, especially when one of the family care staff was blowing bubbles at her. Myla was chasing them and smiling her sweet smile. And then came...the tears. In her exuberant delight while trying to get out a toy car she took a spill. Bloody lip/nose and lots of tears. We felt horrible. Of all the times for this to happen. We were able to calm her down all the while three nurses and the anesthesiologist came in to examine it. We felt like we had quite the audience for a bad parenting moment. Sigh.
Poor Miss Myla. It did not help that I shouted Jared's name as it happened in alarm for everyone to hear. Sorry honey.

Below is a quick summary of how a palate repair works. The information is taken from a blog of another mom who has two kids go through this surgery before...
"In non-technical terms, to fix a cleft palate the surgeon takes/detaches the muscle and tissue from around the cleft and attaches it over the cleft.  There are arteries running in this area, allowing the newly placed tissue to thrive and grow.  Once the materials are moved, there looks almost like channels in the area the tissue was taken from.  Amazingly, this tissue grows back."

Stay tuned for more updates...hopefully I will be able to post again this afternoon.




I'm not sure how I feel about this

Making Peace and Giving Grace

This is a deep thought moment that has been stirring in my brain for so long and it applies to so many moments in my life. I am almost afraid of writing these words for the what will follow are realizations of loss and regrets and of my short comings and my need to grow as a human being. Also, a nervousness of things that may be realized once pen has met paper or keystrokes and a keyboard bring it to a black on white certainty.

Gulp, Here goes nothing!

When we grieve and struggle often our ugliest stuff comes to light. Who we think we were has been tested and revealed. We hopefully land somewhere between a path to a better version of ourselves but also the hard work of needing to deal with the messes within. And to take it all the way and make peace with each and every part (which I know will take a lifetime).

My road to motherhood was not an easy one. I am not alone in this. When I write these words I am not asking for pity but perhaps a bit of grace and understanding for the words I am wiritng.
Many, many people have climbed more mountains than they ever thought they would have to. There were times I thought... this is my mountain and I will climb it with perseverance and determination. Then I would make it to the top only to discover there were many more taller, rocker mountains waiting. And at times I would just weep at the bottom looking up and feeling defeated. My feelings would range from anger to frustration to emptiness. And many times I would dust off and begin again but not with Him alongside me. And the growth would not happen. I would be stuck. But then I would open the window and the growing pains could begin.

Please don't mistake these next words...
Being a spouse, a daughter, a mother, a sister, a friend, does not define who we are. The culmination of these things shape us but none alone give us worth or purpose. I do not believe I need a spouse, a white picket fence, 2.2 children and a dog to be whole. But we are told this from society early on. Now with saying this I am not DE validating the desire for any of these things or denying how much I love being married to my best friend or that little Miss Myla came in our lives. But what is dangerous is when to do believe our worth is being this or that. But let me tell you, I have been that person and it levels you and shakes you.

A wise pastor once said " I think God is most concerned with not necessarily what job we hold, or where we live, or if single or married...he cares what we do with where we are and how we live if only to be an example of Him. While we will never be perfect we can still try to love BIG. It is scary but worth it.

Sounds simple doesn't it? But SO incredibly difficult in reality.
There are times when I have thought I am pretty decent human being and other when I thought myself to be a pretty rotten one as well.

Why so difficult? We are just that, human.
I am learning it takes a lifetime to learn and grow. I know I will make many of the same mistakes.
In life we cannot get straight A's. But sometimes we try. We will fail, almost certainly. But we will grow if only we give ourselves grace and try to make peace with the fact we will experience failure.

And although I have failed at the philosophy stated below…
"Try and be better in spite of it verses bitter because of it."
I will try to be more open to it and the grace I know my Father gives me and in turn maybe... give myself a little grace as well.

I hope it is okay that I make one request...
Today try and give yourself grace for feelings you are not proud of. Make peace with one part of yourself you have been way over critical of. You are growing, you are learning and never forget even though there are days it is hard to believe..."You are fearfully and wonderfully made." The big dude upstairs says so.

And Myla, if you read this one day. I am sorry for the times I have failed to love you well. But know I always...love you. Mom is learning.

Feeling Like Smoooooshed Mac and Cheese

The other day after pulling myself out of a co-nap sleep coma stupor with Myla...I thought to myself, I feel a bit like smooshed macaroni and cheese. I had probably gotten 6 hours total of sleep during a period of 2 days. Sleep did not come the night before Mylas surgery nor in the hospital until after 3 am. Exhaustion had taken over and a nurse who told me to lie down and stay put. But that is hard when your pea nutter is in a hospital bed.

And as I was emerged in my smooshed macaroniness I had a revelation. I am not 25. My body does not bounce back like a 25 year old. I am not even 32. Dang it, when did that happen? Okay maybe not revelation just an unraveling of my denial. No, it is not that I am not grateful for being able to grow older...too many of us never get the chance. I am thankful for all my thirty some (muffle muffle) years I have had in this crazy and beautiful thing called my life. But I need to take better care of myself. Red twizzlers and coffee does not a healthy vibrant person make.

Sorry I digress. Let me get to the point of this blog post. When I think about the last eight weeks it makes sense I feel a bit like smoooshed Mac and cheese. Let's recap:

I traveled across the world to an amazing place with my best friend, to receive the greatest gift.

To be more detailed...

Traveled 12000 miles. Experienced a twelve hour time change twice. Met our daughter for the first time. Played house in a hotel room for two weeks. Experienced 70 degree weather and came home to an unending winter. Watched our pea nutter get ill for almost two weeks with an intestinal bug, slept on the floor to be next my little girl, drove to eight doctors appointments with half in bad weather, Weeks of worry leading up her surgery. Her cleft lip surgery (which is supposed to be easier of the two or three), constantly wondering how many mistakes I have made in terms of attachment.... And exhale.

I can imagine Myla's response:
Really? Your kidding, think about what I'VE been through.
I must concur. She is one tough cookie and I? Smoooshed macaroni and cheese.

Miss Myla's surgery part two

Due to my lack of sleep this blog post is an excerpt from an email to a dear friend I wrote providing some details of the day....

She is sleeping now. Jared just left not too long ago. One parent rule. 
I know I am subjective as a parent...but I am so proud and amazed of her and by her. Our little soldier. 

Her face looks amazing but the truth is, it was amazing and beautiful to me before the surgery. And I must admit I am a little sad to see it go but excited for her new smile too.

She had a little trouble coming out of anesthesia...
It was 35 minutes since the put her in the recovery room and I decided to insist we see her...that is when they told us she was wheezing and her breathing a bit labored. They kept telling us she was stable but they needed to calm her down. They were going to nebulize her but then she pulled out of it.
When we went to go see her....my little muffin, I held her as she struggled and kicked out of it, normal I hear and Jared kept telling me to breathe. I did not realize I wasn't. I couldn't take deep breaths. I thought I was holding it in well but then the wave of emotions took over. It lasted about 60 seconds and Jared got me to believe it or not laugh and then I was in check again. For a moment I felt like that little kid who is choked by a sob and the parents says BREATHE...that was me.

We were up in her room shortly after and Myla took turns sleeping in both our arms. She watched Jared like a little hawk, no way daddy was leaving her sight. It was so precious.
Her face is swollen like a little chipmunk storing nuts for winter but after dinner gave her a full belly she started to get her spunk back. Still groggy and worn out but with a spark of that spunkiness.

Her no, nos are going to be a challenge to keep on and it is hard for her to play or sleep comfortably. I will have to get creative.  We're calling them hee, hee, screw you's....why the heck am I wearing these things. But two weeks is not too bad in the grand scheme of it all.

The surgeon yes did great, amazing work but the nurses are the ones walking us and Myla through this and I am grateful.
I saw the nurse that helped Myla calm down from anesthesia in the hallway later and thanked her for giving Myla tender care in that moment. So many people helping Myla through today. So many of you helping her and us through this day with your prayers. Thank you.

Miss Myla's surgery part one

Miss Myla is now in the operating room. Needless to say I did not sleep much last night. The thought of your child going under anesthesia, being in pain when they awake is not a mind settling thing. But I know it is just step one that help her in regards to speech, eating etc. Todays surgery is her lip revision and ear tubes. Most children with cleft lip and palette will need ear tubes.
We will miss her old smile and to capture it, tried taking oodles of pictures this week. But I am sure we will love her new one. They let me be in the room as they gave her anesthesia; I kept telling her she is our beautiful girl, we are proud of her and we will be here when she wakes from her nap. My legs got a little weak. We were just told her ear tubes are now in and the lip repair has begun. Prayers welcomed. Stay tuned...

Five Random Thoughts

It is has been many days since my last post. Little did I know after I wrote the last post how long that bug would hang on to Myla. And the amount washing the of sheets, clothes and use of diapers and sleepless hours we would go through. As you might know and most probably experienced...It seems in the wee hours of the mornings like this, is when little epiphany's, the connect the dot thoughts and reminders of the stuff that matters happens. So I will title this blog, 5 random thoughts.

1. I always wondered how people go through those sleepless nights with kids and still functioned during the day. So many times people said to me, you do because you have to. I know now a bit of what they mean. Worry and adrenaline can be a substitute for sleep but definitely not a long lasting cure. The stretches when Myla would be up from midnight till 3 were testaments to this philosophy.
My hope is that she continues on a path of getting better. Prayers said and still being said.

2. How helpless we can feel at times. Waiting for a child to come to you when you have been waiting so long you can say the word...years. When the child that God has entrusted to your care gets sick or really sick. When a spouse loses thier job. When a parent is diagnosed with cancer. Helpless and desperate to help.
Which leads me to thought three. What pulls us through....People are kind because God is good.

3. People are kind and amazing. I'd be fibbing if I did not say we can be a pain in the butt too.
But, when kindness from someone creeps up on me, I am reminded that God is real when I see him everywhere I look when at times I thought I could not see him anywhere. He is...and revealed in people.

Some extended thoughts on this...

When I witness weddings of people who are real and thier love stories beautiful and vulnerable and uniquely theirs. Perfectly imperfect. But marveously just right for each other.

When neighbors make so many meals for you to the point you need to make a list so you don't forget to thank them all. Sorry, I am running a bit behind on thank you's.

When people text (Can you believe it, I actually text now) just to see how you are or post something encouraging.

When the lady at Target sees that I am not quite sure how that car seat fits in the cart, and swoops in and does it for me. Thank you lady at Target with two sons. You were kind and did not make me feel stupid.

When the best dog in the whole word looks at you with soft aging eyes and asks for just a simple request; a pet or kiss (yes, I kiss my dog...deal and I consider her people). And she is so good to me even when I am the worst human.

When my husband says to me "you're doing great." He seems to know when I am doubting myself. Which is a lot these days as a new parent.

When people I have never met are willing to share and talk with me about thier adoption journey. Walk through things with me and offer not just thier insight but their heart and hope.

When my mother in law gives me a hydrangea just to cheer me up. Sorry Madonna, love hydrangeas. And peonies, and magnolia trees and birch trees....okay refocus Carrie.

And to close random thought three...I have a memory that spurs on the next lines of text. It was at a family wedding and the bride had made a sign for her uncle after being inspired...it read "How big is your God" and not to be inappropriate...my reply is pretty damn big and I am grateful. Present in the hearts of friends, strangers. And I am sorry for when I struggle to see it. Grief, frustration and feeling lost can blind you.


4. This next one is in more of a lighthearted perspective....
My house is more of a workshop than a gallery. And I think I am accepting that. I buy things because of the color, texture, shape or how it makes me feel and more often than not most of the things...don't really go together.
My house is also full of half begun projects, a gift or card or present I am color coordinating the wrapping to the gift receivers liking. Most of these projects are in bins randomly placed around the house mid creation much to my husbands dismay. Sometimes I will place a page out of a catalog on the wall or kitchen table of something that I liked for one reason or another. When will I spring into action? One day or one month. Needless to say we have a few paper piles in our house. Yes, my house is a workshop...


5. Shoot. What was five again? Oh, it seems silly now. Just a few things I miss a bit.
Visiting Patina for color shock excitement therapy and inspiration.
Garden of Eden, I need to get more lime essential oil. Vinegar, water and lime oil on wood floors makes your house smell yummy.
The rain storm a few nights ago, I love the sound of rain and I don't care if it sounds cliche. I zonked out after one of poor Miss Myla's episodes.
A visit to Ons Thai Kitchen. Off of Snelling close to Ax Man. Please go there if you haven't. Your taste buds will thank you for it. Have the pad thai for me.

And one more random thought...
I hear it is going to be 50 this week. Minnesotans...break out the shorts and long sleeve tees!

Oh My Little Green Monster

Last night we heard what we thought was Myla cough and move about on the baby monitor.
At first we thought it was nothing out of the ordinary but then I pondered gee,the cough sounded a little hard for just a cough. Then the crying began and I came in to her room rub her back. I was assuming or hoping she would go back to sleep.
It was then I got greeted by the a little green monster.
I was pretty sure Myla had not given herself an avocado and black bean facial...Unfortunately, she had thrown up and every inch of her face to the point she had trouble open those thick beautiful lashes. Then out of my mouth came pouring, terms of endearment and sympathy. Honey biscuit, darling, sweetums..words that normally and name creations that you would not hear coming from me....I/we felt awful for her. She kept reaching for me and I let her hold on and snuggle in while I started to assess best clean up method. Of course it would be inevitable that I would get a little woofed cookies on me anyway. Little did I know it was a moment of foreshadowing.

I brought her in the bathroom and called for Jared. We began the clean up process.
After awhile we took her back to her room cleaned and changed. All the while yelling at the dog not to help. Jared scrubbed the carpet. She looked so tired and we decided to put her back in her crib. Um, yeah.

She threw up again and when I thought she was done I pulled her out and yep you guessed it...all over the carpet until I was able to put a towel under her. The after waiting 20 minutes, and re-pj'd, mom picks her up to walk and hold her and...yup you guessed it...one last spew all over me. Sigh. But after this instance she returned a bit back to normal as if saying: I am okay, even a little happy, but oh soooo tired and a little..what the Holy Biscuts just happened to me. Then filled her pants and more mini upchuck. Gotta end with a bang, right?
And we were relieved. But still worried. So I slept in her room that night. And she smooshed her little body against the crib closet to where I lay. And I talked to her until she feel asleep.

And I slept, one eye opened two ears turned up. My friend said it sounded as if Myla was initiating you...or even hazing. Hmmm, did we make the cut?

Damage Summary...
One crib sheet
Two blankets
Moms shirt
One towel
One roll of paper towels
3 Myla outfits
Funky smelling carpet
Three turned stomachs

But I am so glad she seems better today. And I promise this will be the first, the last, the only blog in which I discuss poop and puke. I will try to be more sophisticated and thought provoking next time.

Crazy Coffee Lover

I love coffee. No wait... I need coffee. I dream of this sweet liquid also known as Java. I even brought instant coffee to China. I was at a Starbucks I frequented in Guangzhou and you know what? I never felt ashamed. It is so tasty on the lips and the caffeine it provides gives me a sweeter disposition. Now rest assured, I did enjoy local tea many, many times. In case any tea lovers are reeling at the possibilty I did not indulge, especially in China. I did. And my husband even more so.

So when I snuck out when we arrived home, where do you think my first stop was? Even before I got o.j. for my sick husband and bananas for our daughter? You would be right. That being said I might agree...a tidbit shameless but accurate. Hello coffee. I would like point out Dunn Bros. is connected to Festival.

What do I love about it? What do you like about the sunrise? Where to start...
Once upon a time I hated it. Did not mind the smell but thought it to be kind of gross. Sad huh? Then a friend suggested to me that I might enjoy a a little with irish cream flavoring. Pretty decent was my first thought but still, I did not crave it like I do now.

Then I met KS. I am using her initials to protect her identity. She got me hooked on coffee coolers. Yum.
Did not matter if it was 80 degrees out of minus 2. I craved them. Some of you might say that is not real coffee. But you see coffee was very smart and it knew it had to lure me in slowly.

Awhile ago when we were in Paris, (We were blessed to have visited Switzerland and France) I drank cappuccinos and it was a close to heaven experience.
Then at family dinners when coffee requests were being taken I began to oblige as well.

A few years ago I discovered the perfect marriage. Coffee on ice. All the benefits of coffee, i.e. caffiene and a rich delicious smell. You see, cold coffee quenches your thirst. Hot coffee cannot. Unless you want a burnt tongue and throat, if you do then you might have real problems.

Did I mention I walk through the aisle at the grocery store which contains coffee just so I can smell the aroma?
And this past fall when outside raking leaves I could smell the nearby Dunn Brothers roasting thier coffee beans. Two of may favotrite things. Autumn and the smell of Coffee.
And when Myla won't embrace her nap...coffee is there for me. Thanks buddy.

I could go own but I will end this coffee soliloquy.

Good day and enjoy a cup of coffee soon. I would humbly suggested Dogwood Coffee if you can get your hands on some.



P.S. My sister had Starbucks waiting for me at the airport when we arrived home from China. God Bless her. She is my hero.

Nope, I Can't Do It All

As I write this I am still fighting the urge to want to do it all. But I must remind myself I cannot but most importantly I should not. When I got home home and even though I was jet lagged, learning how to become a parent and understand Myla (These are life long endeavors and if I were to think otherwise I wold be a fool) and overcoming a cold, and starring at more paperwork that needs to get done..yes there is more paperwork, I did not ponder or pause and think it through and somehow thought I could create a routine where I would do it all. But then a whole day goes by and I did not mop the floor or organize my mud room and I felt...defeated.
But I am slowly realizing and whole heartily wanting to embrace my number one priority, Myla.
Attachment is an ongoing process that takes full focus. There is never a time when I can say...okay I have completed my attachment steps for today. For those of you who have adopted, you get this. Every moment is a chance to connect and build trust. To teach her what family means, and for Jared and to learn how our family will be.
Connecting, building trust that will lead to solid attachment is imperative. Experts express this over and over again in every article I read and my interactions with professionals have confirmed this. Attachment is ongoing and is built moment by moment, each leading towards a deeper level trust over time.
Myla is getting to know us, as we are her, it would be foolish to think or expect her to completely trust us after three weeks.
I pray that I learn what I can do and do better to nurture that trust. And I know I have made mistakes, but the important thing I believe is to keep at it.
So I will pause and try not to think about what I think needs to get done ( yes, paperwork tou are the exception)to get at least one more belly laugh when we play hide and seek. I will let her splash in the water a few more minutes, stroke her hair at least a dozen more times when she cries, watch in enjoyment longer as she soaks up daddy's love because if I cannot do it all let these things be the things I do...do.

Learning to Understand Myla

Last night was good sleeping for Myla and I. She did have about an hour and a half of social time but with much less screaming and crying than last night. We woke up for breakfast a bit before 7:00 (Yes, I said 7 instead of 3 or 4) and ate bananas, bottle and berries. We are increasing her food intake for she cries when her bottle is finished as if she will never see it again. And, the moment she first sees it she panics, cries with vigor and reaches for it. It is as if she is frightened that food will go away. At first I thought... she was just fussy but now I realize she desperate and it makes me sad. I can't believe it took me while to get that. And though she not does understand the words, "We promise there will always be food"
But we will say the words anyway.


As we work on her sleep schedule we are still doing the morning nap as suggested. I was prepping to put her down today for a nap and her diaper struggle was a real tough one. Angry Myla. And then I put her in bed.
She fussed just a bit and then I left to go get something. When I returned I paused before I stepped inside the door.
I hear her talking (babbling) and I thought it was cute. Then I realized it was different than her babbles previously. Do you know when you have that kind of day and at its end you audibly sigh and say ugg, when will this day be over? But then you have the days when you are worried or so stressed your chest is tight? Maybe tears are brimming in your eyes and you tell yourself, I am okay.
The latter was Myla. Since I've known her I feel like I have not been able to decipher often how exactly she is feeling. Hungry cry, sleepy cry. I need the visual signals I.e. staring in our kitchen, rubbing her eyes. Etc. Those have been the most clear but this moment was different.
I came in and rubbed her back and said I am sorry you are sad and you don't have to scared. And once again although I know she doesn't understand the words...
But I will say the words anyway.

Being loved makes all the difference in this life doesn't it? Whether it is by our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousons, friends, co-workers etc.
We have been given clothes, toys, food in lieu of Myla. And most importantly, encouragement and love. To you everyone who has dropped off a meal, bought boogie wipes, prayed or wished us well, sent a card or an e-mail or phone call.
We thank you. And though I feel my words are not enough to express our appreciation...
But I'll go ahead and say the words anyway.

Thank You. Much Love.
Enjoy the beauty of the snow, curse the shoveling....
Carrie

Confessions of a New Parent

We have been home for almost four days now and working to adjust to our new life; all four of us. Yes, our beloved dog is adjusting too. She does not quite understand why she has competition for affection but is doing rather impressive in my opinion. She mostly just looks at Myla and on occasion does a drive by licking. Myla looks shocked then laughs.

For the most part I think Myla is adjusting fairly well. Her sleep schedule is off which is to be expected. She just experienced a 14 hour time difference. I thought maybe somehow I beat the dreaded jet lag but on day two home I slept when Myla napped and could have slept more. Her first night she awoke at 3:55 am to start her day, the second day it was 4:30. All with what I call her social hour in the middle of the night (Yes, it is 2:30 am while I am typing this) accompanied by some screaming and crying. I can tell she is sad and frustrated and it comes out at night. Everything keeps changing...form leaving her orphanage and her caregivers, to hotel room and then another hotel room and now here, the land of 10,000 lakes. It is a lot to handle for a such a wee peanut. During the day she is pretty even keel with a few moments here and there of frustration. When she hungry trust me she lets you know it and don't take her bottle away to readjust. Mad Myla. We joke and say it would be like if you took my mother in laws Pinot Noir away. Hi Mickie.

So I thought I would also share a few confessions from a first time mom...

- I put her diaper on backwards the other day.  Interestingly enough I nannied in the summer as a teen and in addition probably have baby sat over a dozen different babies in my life. Hence, changed quite a few diapers. But I decided to bless my daughter with this mistake.

- Sometimes to amuse Myla I give her a pilgrim hat. It is a diaper on her head sideways and then we look in the mirror. Okay, maybe I find it more amusing. Try it, you'll like it.

-Also, bath time is a favorite of Myla's and mine. She splashes and laughs. She loves having water poured on her back. Then I like spike her hair out. The other night I let it dry that way.  She looked like a mad scientist. Awesome.

-I got really excited to go to the grocery store today when she napped. You would have thought I was going to an amusement park. Yippee, just me for 20 minutes outside of my house. For those who know me I have a bit of a short attention span and I get antsy pretty easily.
Funny thing is I thought about Myla the whole time and...

-How nice it has been to spend this kind of time with my husband. Granted with napping and me sleeping on a bed in Myla's room means we haven't have oodles of time but it is more than we have had in the a long time and being with him in China was pretty sweet too. I will miss when him when he returns to work next week. He helps me wrestle the hulk aka Myla during diaper changes. Never knew a kiddo who disliked diaper changes so much. Still I have yet to convince her that not sitting in her own poo is a good thing.

-In case your wondering why I am I Myla's room...it is recommended that they not be alone when they are adjusting, grieving, and attaching. Imagine sleeping in a room crib to crib with thirty other babies/kids the first year of your life then have someone put in a room by yourself and shutting the door? Kind of scary. I plan to do this for a couple of weeks.

-I am a bit of a worry wart. Okay, more than a little. My old worries have been replaced with new ones as a first time parent. But I have to admit somethings have changed. Perhaps that epiphany should be saved for another blog. Lucky you, right? Har har.

It is now 3:16 am and I should try and steal more sleep before Miss Myla wakes. So I guess Good Morning is appropriate. God Bless. Oh, and eat a cookie, it is Monday.

Bright Lights Big City

Today was our consulate appointment. Grace picked us up at 7:30 to head to the consulate appt. we had today. About 12 families all gathered in one room waiting to take an oath.

We all stood together, raising our rights hands, opening our hearts and making a promise together.
Then an announcement was made...we have one family pre-Hague convention, you will need to make a payment prior to us reviewing our paperwork. Couldn't they just have called us up to the window? All eyes on the Hageman's.  Hi. Ni hao.

While we waited to be called to finish the last of the paperwork we  talked with a few families and Myla made a few friends. One, was eight years old.  A little girl all dressed in purple, here with her family to get her little brother was just turned two. She played with Myla and Miss Myla enjoyed the attention.

Later in the evening we went on a river cruise to view the skyline and the uniquely lit up buildings on the river front. There we met another family who brought their daughter whom they adopted 8 years ago to again add to their family...lucky number 13. Pretty amazing. The wife once lived in. Brooklyn Park, MN and now the family resides in Montana. They have adopted from Africa, China, and Haiti. They have traveled all over the world as well bringing a couple children at a time with each trip. They were very kind and fun to talk with. Amazing family.

I feel I have too many thoughts to grasp one string and have the words come together.
I will maybe try a few...

How did we get here to this moment in time? After years of feeling uncertain about the future?
And now it is coming together right before my eyes moment by moment. And I could have not imagined this life but my Father did. What is next? I do not know. Trust has never come easy to me. I have wept over what I wish could be in my life not just regarding our adoption journey but through loss and struggles of many kinds that include my own and those that I love.
I have hoped for what I wish could be as well.
Life is crazy, beautiful and bittersweet. And before me is tomorrow. Maybe that is a lesson itself.
One day different from the next. Good and the tough. May I experience and learn from both kinds.
I hope not sound full of myself. I am working it out word from word.

China has brought us 6000 miles...6000 miles to you  Myla. So glad we found you and that you found us.

Guangzhou

Guangzhou has been a delight. As is our guide Ms. Grace. She is probably only 90 lbs soaking wet but is a tour de force. She has set our mind at ease with some of the final steps regarding the sacred paperwork we ...okay, I have been fretting over for weeks. I should not jinx it for we have our consulate appointment tomorrow. I have already laid out my clothes and Myla's.
We will have one more day in Guangzhou then off to Hong Kong. But before I fast forward let's recap the past couple of days.

My cold is winning so today I slept when Myla did.  Myla is winning against her cold. While we had her standard medical check up the other day Grace hunted down a physician whom prescribed Myla amoxicillin.

We have gone on two field trips with our guide Grace thus far. Did I mention how much we like her? She is spunky, kind and extremely knowledgable.

Our hotel is located on Shamian island. There is definitely a European influence (British I believe) with the architecture and cobblestone streets. The past few days there was a market with local artisans, students I believe, and it was fun too look at their goods. Many talented artists had there wares for sale and we purchased a few things including interpretive drawings of the Spring Festival festivities.  In other shops I procured a few traditional dresses for Myla.

Today were the excursions with Grace. First we went to the Yuntai Garden.  This is Guangzhou's third tulip festival as well. It was interesting for there was a very Holland theme to it. Nonetheless beautiful. We thought of you Steph and Gretchen and of course took lots of pictures. In addition to the beautiful tulips, I loved the orchids. The orchids I have had in the past never looked like these!
After the gardens we went to the Guangdong Folk Art Museum also known as the Chen Ancestrial Hall. The architectural decorations here include wood carvings, brick carvings, stone carvings, ceramic sculptures, lime sculptures, iron castings and paintings. All beautiful in thier own right with delicate, impressive and skilled detail.

Then we headed towards the 1400 meter shopping row but Myla had had enough and we went back to the hotel for a bit.  We ended the evening at a restaurant near the water. It was quite good and the atmosphere lovely with trees strung with colored lights.

Tomorrow again is our consulate appointment ( 7:40 ) I hope it goes smoothly.

Again, thank you for your prayers and well wishes.

Carrie

Still Alive

My apologies for going off the grid.  I came down with a cold and slept whenever Myla slept.
I knew this was coming right after she coughed in my mouth the other day.  Welcome to parenthood right?

In spite of my cold and red rudolph nose we still managed to get out and see a few sites.
It was cooler than anticipated, upper 30's and with Myla and I both with a cold we decided to take each day as it came.

We were able to drive a bit out into the country side and visited a beautiful park and an ancient village.  The village has become very touristy but we still enjoyed and were glad to see it.


To be random....before we forget, Happy Belated Birthday Andy!

Refocusing...
Just prior to our departure I signed up for a yahoo group in relation to those who have adopted from Myla's province.  Upon arrival, I sent out a message and within hours many people had responded.

We had one family reach out to us who happen to live there.  The moved from Belgium to Guizhou and foster children with special needs.  They felt called and so they went.  They have cared for many children who have been adopted all over the world including MN and WI too!  The father and son took us out to dinner and shared their stories.  We enjoyed their company and were grateful for thief hospitality. Hetty, Ian and Geoffrey if you are reading this, thank you and God Bless, you are truly special people.

On our last day, our guide took us to have a traditional local meal.  Hot and sour fish soup.  It was dee-licious!  I think the spice helped my cold a bit too!  Unbeknownst to me, Jared and Ben stepped away to make our fish selection prior to eating.  Jared actually got to pick out the fish we were going to eat.  Then the chef smacked the fish over the head before placing it in our pot.  I am glad I did not know this or see this till after I ate it.  Thank you Mr. Fish for your tasty sacrifice.

Unfortunately, our plane to Guangzhou was delayed and we did not get to our hotel till after 10 pm and poor Myla was pretty cranky (so was I, my sold was really kicking me in the pants) and it took awhile to settle her to sleep. She did pretty well on the plane with a little crying but 1.5 hours is nothing compared to the 17 hours.  But we will deal with that when it comes.

Before this gets ridiculously long, I will leave with some Myla minutes:

Things we are learning about Myla:

1.  She enjoys eating (A girl after my own heart) which is good since she is quite tiny and we want her to grow strong and healthy.

2. When she eats she makes these really cute noises. We call them petite and soft Chewbacha sounds.  We call her petite Chewy (Yes, a Star Wars reference, would you expect anything less)

3.  I mentioned she was small and yes, we wish we could feed her protein shakes but man is she strong.  Changing her diaper sometimes is like wrestling with the Hulk.

4. I love seeing her face in the morning...sleepy and smily morning Myla.

5. She digs baths. She will be ready for swimming this summer I think!

Hope all is well with everyone.  Much Love and God Bless, Carrie