The other day after pulling myself out of a co-nap sleep coma stupor with Myla...I thought to myself, I feel a bit like smooshed macaroni and cheese. I had probably gotten 6 hours total of sleep during a period of 2 days. Sleep did not come the night before Mylas surgery nor in the hospital until after 3 am. Exhaustion had taken over and a nurse who told me to lie down and stay put. But that is hard when your pea nutter is in a hospital bed.
And as I was emerged in my smooshed macaroniness I had a revelation. I am not 25. My body does not bounce back like a 25 year old. I am not even 32. Dang it, when did that happen? Okay maybe not revelation just an unraveling of my denial. No, it is not that I am not grateful for being able to grow older...too many of us never get the chance. I am thankful for all my thirty some (muffle muffle) years I have had in this crazy and beautiful thing called my life. But I need to take better care of myself. Red twizzlers and coffee does not a healthy vibrant person make.
Sorry I digress. Let me get to the point of this blog post. When I think about the last eight weeks it makes sense I feel a bit like smoooshed Mac and cheese. Let's recap:
I traveled across the world to an amazing place with my best friend, to receive the greatest gift.
To be more detailed...
Traveled 12000 miles. Experienced a twelve hour time change twice. Met our daughter for the first time. Played house in a hotel room for two weeks. Experienced 70 degree weather and came home to an unending winter. Watched our pea nutter get ill for almost two weeks with an intestinal bug, slept on the floor to be next my little girl, drove to eight doctors appointments with half in bad weather, Weeks of worry leading up her surgery. Her cleft lip surgery (which is supposed to be easier of the two or three), constantly wondering how many mistakes I have made in terms of attachment.... And exhale.
I can imagine Myla's response:
Really? Your kidding, think about what I'VE been through.
I must concur. She is one tough cookie and I? Smoooshed macaroni and cheese.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Miss Myla's surgery part two
Due to my lack of sleep this blog post is an excerpt from an email to a dear friend I wrote providing some details of the day....
She is sleeping now. Jared just left not too long ago. One parent rule.
I know I am subjective as a parent...but I am so proud and amazed of her and by her. Our little soldier.
Her face looks amazing but the truth is, it was amazing and beautiful to me before the surgery. And I must admit I am a little sad to see it go but excited for her new smile too.
She had a little trouble coming out of anesthesia...
It was 35 minutes since the put her in the recovery room and I decided to insist we see her...that is when they told us she was wheezing and her breathing a bit labored. They kept telling us she was stable but they needed to calm her down. They were going to nebulize her but then she pulled out of it.
When we went to go see her....my little muffin, I held her as she struggled and kicked out of it, normal I hear and Jared kept telling me to breathe. I did not realize I wasn't. I couldn't take deep breaths. I thought I was holding it in well but then the wave of emotions took over. It lasted about 60 seconds and Jared got me to believe it or not laugh and then I was in check again. For a moment I felt like that little kid who is choked by a sob and the parents says BREATHE...that was me.
We were up in her room shortly after and Myla took turns sleeping in both our arms. She watched Jared like a little hawk, no way daddy was leaving her sight. It was so precious.
Her face is swollen like a little chipmunk storing nuts for winter but after dinner gave her a full belly she started to get her spunk back. Still groggy and worn out but with a spark of that spunkiness.
Her no, nos are going to be a challenge to keep on and it is hard for her to play or sleep comfortably. I will have to get creative. We're calling them hee, hee, screw you's....why the heck am I wearing these things. But two weeks is not too bad in the grand scheme of it all.
The surgeon yes did great, amazing work but the nurses are the ones walking us and Myla through this and I am grateful.
I saw the nurse that helped Myla calm down from anesthesia in the hallway later and thanked her for giving Myla tender care in that moment. So many people helping Myla through today. So many of you helping her and us through this day with your prayers. Thank you.
She is sleeping now. Jared just left not too long ago. One parent rule.
I know I am subjective as a parent...but I am so proud and amazed of her and by her. Our little soldier.
Her face looks amazing but the truth is, it was amazing and beautiful to me before the surgery. And I must admit I am a little sad to see it go but excited for her new smile too.
She had a little trouble coming out of anesthesia...
It was 35 minutes since the put her in the recovery room and I decided to insist we see her...that is when they told us she was wheezing and her breathing a bit labored. They kept telling us she was stable but they needed to calm her down. They were going to nebulize her but then she pulled out of it.
When we went to go see her....my little muffin, I held her as she struggled and kicked out of it, normal I hear and Jared kept telling me to breathe. I did not realize I wasn't. I couldn't take deep breaths. I thought I was holding it in well but then the wave of emotions took over. It lasted about 60 seconds and Jared got me to believe it or not laugh and then I was in check again. For a moment I felt like that little kid who is choked by a sob and the parents says BREATHE...that was me.
We were up in her room shortly after and Myla took turns sleeping in both our arms. She watched Jared like a little hawk, no way daddy was leaving her sight. It was so precious.
Her face is swollen like a little chipmunk storing nuts for winter but after dinner gave her a full belly she started to get her spunk back. Still groggy and worn out but with a spark of that spunkiness.
Her no, nos are going to be a challenge to keep on and it is hard for her to play or sleep comfortably. I will have to get creative. We're calling them hee, hee, screw you's....why the heck am I wearing these things. But two weeks is not too bad in the grand scheme of it all.
The surgeon yes did great, amazing work but the nurses are the ones walking us and Myla through this and I am grateful.
I saw the nurse that helped Myla calm down from anesthesia in the hallway later and thanked her for giving Myla tender care in that moment. So many people helping Myla through today. So many of you helping her and us through this day with your prayers. Thank you.
Miss Myla's surgery part one
Miss Myla is now in the operating room. Needless to say I did not sleep much last night. The thought of your child going under anesthesia, being in pain when they awake is not a mind settling thing. But I know it is just step one that help her in regards to speech, eating etc. Todays surgery is her lip revision and ear tubes. Most children with cleft lip and palette will need ear tubes.
We will miss her old smile and to capture it, tried taking oodles of pictures this week. But I am sure we will love her new one. They let me be in the room as they gave her anesthesia; I kept telling her she is our beautiful girl, we are proud of her and we will be here when she wakes from her nap. My legs got a little weak. We were just told her ear tubes are now in and the lip repair has begun. Prayers welcomed. Stay tuned...
We will miss her old smile and to capture it, tried taking oodles of pictures this week. But I am sure we will love her new one. They let me be in the room as they gave her anesthesia; I kept telling her she is our beautiful girl, we are proud of her and we will be here when she wakes from her nap. My legs got a little weak. We were just told her ear tubes are now in and the lip repair has begun. Prayers welcomed. Stay tuned...
Monday, April 1, 2013
Five Random Thoughts
It is has been many days since my last post. Little did I know after I wrote the last post how long that bug would hang on to Myla. And the amount washing the of sheets, clothes and use of diapers and sleepless hours we would go through. As you might know and most probably experienced...It seems in the wee hours of the mornings like this, is when little epiphany's, the connect the dot thoughts and reminders of the stuff that matters happens. So I will title this blog, 5 random thoughts.
1. I always wondered how people go through those sleepless nights with kids and still functioned during the day. So many times people said to me, you do because you have to. I know now a bit of what they mean. Worry and adrenaline can be a substitute for sleep but definitely not a long lasting cure. The stretches when Myla would be up from midnight till 3 were testaments to this philosophy.
My hope is that she continues on a path of getting better. Prayers said and still being said.
2. How helpless we can feel at times. Waiting for a child to come to you when you have been waiting so long you can say the word...years. When the child that God has entrusted to your care gets sick or really sick. When a spouse loses thier job. When a parent is diagnosed with cancer. Helpless and desperate to help.
Which leads me to thought three. What pulls us through....People are kind because God is good.
3. People are kind and amazing. I'd be fibbing if I did not say we can be a pain in the butt too.
But, when kindness from someone creeps up on me, I am reminded that God is real when I see him everywhere I look when at times I thought I could not see him anywhere. He is...and revealed in people.
Some extended thoughts on this...
When I witness weddings of people who are real and thier love stories beautiful and vulnerable and uniquely theirs. Perfectly imperfect. But marveously just right for each other.
When neighbors make so many meals for you to the point you need to make a list so you don't forget to thank them all. Sorry, I am running a bit behind on thank you's.
When people text (Can you believe it, I actually text now) just to see how you are or post something encouraging.
When the lady at Target sees that I am not quite sure how that car seat fits in the cart, and swoops in and does it for me. Thank you lady at Target with two sons. You were kind and did not make me feel stupid.
When the best dog in the whole word looks at you with soft aging eyes and asks for just a simple request; a pet or kiss (yes, I kiss my dog...deal and I consider her people). And she is so good to me even when I am the worst human.
When my husband says to me "you're doing great." He seems to know when I am doubting myself. Which is a lot these days as a new parent.
When people I have never met are willing to share and talk with me about thier adoption journey. Walk through things with me and offer not just thier insight but their heart and hope.
When my mother in law gives me a hydrangea just to cheer me up. Sorry Madonna, love hydrangeas. And peonies, and magnolia trees and birch trees....okay refocus Carrie.
And to close random thought three...I have a memory that spurs on the next lines of text. It was at a family wedding and the bride had made a sign for her uncle after being inspired...it read "How big is your God" and not to be inappropriate...my reply is pretty damn big and I am grateful. Present in the hearts of friends, strangers. And I am sorry for when I struggle to see it. Grief, frustration and feeling lost can blind you.
4. This next one is in more of a lighthearted perspective....
My house is more of a workshop than a gallery. And I think I am accepting that. I buy things because of the color, texture, shape or how it makes me feel and more often than not most of the things...don't really go together.
My house is also full of half begun projects, a gift or card or present I am color coordinating the wrapping to the gift receivers liking. Most of these projects are in bins randomly placed around the house mid creation much to my husbands dismay. Sometimes I will place a page out of a catalog on the wall or kitchen table of something that I liked for one reason or another. When will I spring into action? One day or one month. Needless to say we have a few paper piles in our house. Yes, my house is a workshop...
5. Shoot. What was five again? Oh, it seems silly now. Just a few things I miss a bit.
Visiting Patina for color shock excitement therapy and inspiration.
Garden of Eden, I need to get more lime essential oil. Vinegar, water and lime oil on wood floors makes your house smell yummy.
The rain storm a few nights ago, I love the sound of rain and I don't care if it sounds cliche. I zonked out after one of poor Miss Myla's episodes.
A visit to Ons Thai Kitchen. Off of Snelling close to Ax Man. Please go there if you haven't. Your taste buds will thank you for it. Have the pad thai for me.
And one more random thought...
I hear it is going to be 50 this week. Minnesotans...break out the shorts and long sleeve tees!
1. I always wondered how people go through those sleepless nights with kids and still functioned during the day. So many times people said to me, you do because you have to. I know now a bit of what they mean. Worry and adrenaline can be a substitute for sleep but definitely not a long lasting cure. The stretches when Myla would be up from midnight till 3 were testaments to this philosophy.
My hope is that she continues on a path of getting better. Prayers said and still being said.
2. How helpless we can feel at times. Waiting for a child to come to you when you have been waiting so long you can say the word...years. When the child that God has entrusted to your care gets sick or really sick. When a spouse loses thier job. When a parent is diagnosed with cancer. Helpless and desperate to help.
Which leads me to thought three. What pulls us through....People are kind because God is good.
3. People are kind and amazing. I'd be fibbing if I did not say we can be a pain in the butt too.
But, when kindness from someone creeps up on me, I am reminded that God is real when I see him everywhere I look when at times I thought I could not see him anywhere. He is...and revealed in people.
Some extended thoughts on this...
When I witness weddings of people who are real and thier love stories beautiful and vulnerable and uniquely theirs. Perfectly imperfect. But marveously just right for each other.
When neighbors make so many meals for you to the point you need to make a list so you don't forget to thank them all. Sorry, I am running a bit behind on thank you's.
When people text (Can you believe it, I actually text now) just to see how you are or post something encouraging.
When the lady at Target sees that I am not quite sure how that car seat fits in the cart, and swoops in and does it for me. Thank you lady at Target with two sons. You were kind and did not make me feel stupid.
When the best dog in the whole word looks at you with soft aging eyes and asks for just a simple request; a pet or kiss (yes, I kiss my dog...deal and I consider her people). And she is so good to me even when I am the worst human.
When my husband says to me "you're doing great." He seems to know when I am doubting myself. Which is a lot these days as a new parent.
When people I have never met are willing to share and talk with me about thier adoption journey. Walk through things with me and offer not just thier insight but their heart and hope.
When my mother in law gives me a hydrangea just to cheer me up. Sorry Madonna, love hydrangeas. And peonies, and magnolia trees and birch trees....okay refocus Carrie.
And to close random thought three...I have a memory that spurs on the next lines of text. It was at a family wedding and the bride had made a sign for her uncle after being inspired...it read "How big is your God" and not to be inappropriate...my reply is pretty damn big and I am grateful. Present in the hearts of friends, strangers. And I am sorry for when I struggle to see it. Grief, frustration and feeling lost can blind you.
4. This next one is in more of a lighthearted perspective....
My house is more of a workshop than a gallery. And I think I am accepting that. I buy things because of the color, texture, shape or how it makes me feel and more often than not most of the things...don't really go together.
My house is also full of half begun projects, a gift or card or present I am color coordinating the wrapping to the gift receivers liking. Most of these projects are in bins randomly placed around the house mid creation much to my husbands dismay. Sometimes I will place a page out of a catalog on the wall or kitchen table of something that I liked for one reason or another. When will I spring into action? One day or one month. Needless to say we have a few paper piles in our house. Yes, my house is a workshop...
5. Shoot. What was five again? Oh, it seems silly now. Just a few things I miss a bit.
Visiting Patina for color shock excitement therapy and inspiration.
Garden of Eden, I need to get more lime essential oil. Vinegar, water and lime oil on wood floors makes your house smell yummy.
The rain storm a few nights ago, I love the sound of rain and I don't care if it sounds cliche. I zonked out after one of poor Miss Myla's episodes.
A visit to Ons Thai Kitchen. Off of Snelling close to Ax Man. Please go there if you haven't. Your taste buds will thank you for it. Have the pad thai for me.
And one more random thought...
I hear it is going to be 50 this week. Minnesotans...break out the shorts and long sleeve tees!
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