A Poem for My Daughter

Into this world newly born
Seperated mother and child by belief, culture and circumstance
The end of something monumnetal just as you begin this life
A loss no one should endure
One with many mothers
I know this, God never lifted his gaze from you
You were never alone though I am sure the loneliness you felt was so deep
You were brought into the fold of what would be a temporary space
Meeting many brothers and sisters in your same place
Small survivors with hope in your eyes
brave not by choice
you have endured so much in your short life

We waited for you across the ocean divide
You again were about to face goodbyes
Farewells to your little brothers and sisters
The women who cared for you each and every day
Knowing there would be tears for everythig big, small again was lost
and nothing was the same, all new
Your story has so many parts and pieces broken, mended and redeemed.
Strong and brave and beautiful you
I prayed for her, for me, for you for the forming of our family
I see you. My heart sees all that came before I held you.
I acknowledge and honor your life before me. I respect your story, more lived than in just one lifetime
No one has fought harder than the orphan
You became my daughter and I your mother. He has entrusted to me you, tender vivacious beautiful girl
I love you with every piece of me.

"Mama, Don't be Mad at Me!"

Last night at midnight this post started to form in my head. I need some type of dictation app so I don't loose my prose mojo.
So let us see what I can remember that slipped of my tounges mind so easily last night.

"Mama don't be mad at me" is just one of the statements of proclamation that come from my daughters lips lately. And at Target last night I got ambushed by all the many with of course, an audience. I will get to that in just a moment. But first, it seems that anytime my husband and I attempt address, hold accountable, teach or correct a behavior with our daughter we are greeted with "Don't me mad at me" along with crossed arms and a pouty lip so big that you could set the kitchen sink on it. I tend to get this response more often than my hubby. I am guessing this is typical? I am hoping for a resounding YES in the heads of my mother readers.

But recently these declarations have been increasing...exponentially. The other day while multi-tasking and saying no to a request for candy I heard from her "You will never be my friend." WHAT? She did not say it with a mean tone it was almost a casual sing-song. Yep my feelings were hurt. I paused for a moment and in my head thought..."That was not nice" and "Well I am her parent and not really her friend." I paused again for another moment. I asked her to repeat to me what she had just said and (my daughter does go to speech therapy and I wanted to ensure I heard it right) my request was done calmly without defensiveness....well maybe. She looked at me and shrugged her shoulders. I said to her, "Well I am not sure if that was the nicest thing to say but yes I am your mama first and I hope someday we will be friend." Some of you might be thinking uh, she is three Carrie. I know, I know. I tackled it in the moment the best way I thought I could.

Now this bring me to our Target outing. There are other proclamations but I can't list them all without going on and on but this is what happened.
We had just gone to the restroom and it was getting close to dinner so I gave in to a treat from Starbucks located inside the store. She b-lined it to the counter and as I truly think about it, she was unaware she had cut in line. I got down to her level and said "Honey, we do not cut in line. We need to wait our turn."
The unraveling began. In a string of stings she began "No, mama you hurt my feelings, Don't be made at me, You not listen" along with stomping over to a table and sitting down. And it did not end there. As I approcahed her and tried to hold her accountable yet state, "Yes I AM listening, tell Mama but you need to calm down and behave like the big girl I know you are." Faster than the speed of light out came her pointer finger and the words..."Don't you ever make me sad again".

WHAT? You can imagine what ensued. I was telling her to talk to mama kindly, more pouting on her part and so on. All of this going on while of course to older ladies staring in disapproval and one of the presumed husbands just laughing outloud. After I said "We will sit here until you are ready to try again and ask with kindess and listen to Mama." The standoff began an about 10 minutes went by and she caved. During this time I said I loved her and I need her to listen. She finally asked in her chipmunk voice..."Mama please may I have my treat?" She asked for the money, gave it to the cashier and thank her for the treat.

She is definately three going on thirteen. While some of her behaviors I'd like to work with I am also so proud of her speaking her voice and defending her personhood and feelings. But as a mom, how do I navigate this? I want to do what it is right.

I think to myself...

I am not your friend, I am your mom. I hope someday when you are an adult we will be friends.
I always want you to tell me when your feelings are hurt and when you don't feel understood.
I want you to respect your family, other people and yourself with your words and actions.

But you are just three. I pray I will learn how to teach you, guide you and support to the best of my ability as you become who you are meant to be, and not be completely grey for it.

A Little Girl in Beijing

I texted this post in the middle of the night when I could not sleep. I have debated if I should post this. But here I go.

Brand new to the world. A helpless miracle. Given a death sentence. Today I read about a little baby girl. Newly born left face down in a floor toilet pipe in Beijing China. I cried when I saw her picture. And I cried harder when I saw the floor toilet. I had forgotten what they looked liked. I tried to sit at my desk and not crawl right out of my skin. My heart horrified yet grateful she was rescued. I try not to judge the woman who put her there. Women who live there face what I would never have to. Maybe someone else forced her or it was another person. Perhaps she was unmarried. I know this is a culture that puts women in situations they should never have to even comprehend. I wish she could have been placed outside a hospital or even a restaurant...somewhere she could be found? I wish this women never felt she had to do this.
I turn my thoughts back to this baby girl. To be disposed of in such a way based on gender...on how that society devalues girls. My heart again hurts. I don't know what to do with this. God as your child, tell me what to do...help me act. Bring forth a path, perhaps a calling. I don't want this to be a moment of discomfort that passes. Let it lead to something. I crawl into my daughters bed. Born in China. Born with cleft lip and palate. I think of that little newborn girl again. I know she exists in a society with the odds stacked against her. But I pray, I hope. Let her live, thrive and find a family. Let her dance. Let her laugh. Let her smile. Let her hold hear head high. Let her LIVE. Let her fully embrace she is fearfully and wonderfully made. Let her live.

Where I Once Was...

Where I Once Was...


It has been AGES since I have published a post. I must confess that I have written and begun to write many posts but either did not finish my thoughts or was afraid to vulnerable. But what is what life without sharing your thoughts and being vulnerable to an extent?

Not to long ago I had two separate encounters just hours apart. Below, I will finish what I began and share my thoughts of these two interactions that in my heart I cannot accept as simply coincidental...


Today I ran into two women. Women like me. We have a shared experience one in past and for them the present;existing in the same space, the long season where I was only three years ago. I have promised myself I will not forget that long, long season. It is part of my story. I have not yet made complete peace with all of it but I know I will in time. But I WILL remember. It was painful but I am who I am because of it. I hope with a little more perceptive, a more openess and awareness in my perceptions, more kinder more tender.

These kind wonderful women, living life, giving of themselves, working hard but having a part of themselves lost. A part of themselves in pain, lonely in their sadness of what had not come to be as they had hoped for... and desperately trying not to be. Trying to live out their lives and find joy though deep within an ache in their hearts waiting for something they desired...a child. I remember that both womean were staring at several forks in the road. Do I go down the road of adoption, infertility treatments, or beginning picturing their life as a family of two: Husband and wife? And yes, you are a family if is just husband and wife (and maybe a puppy too).Please don't let any ones rhetoric or logical and limiting definitions tell you different.

As I wrote these words several songs come to mind. Not surprising. Ever heard lyrics to a song that just matched your heart?

There were so many things I wanted to say. But I tried mostly to listen. People often gave me advice with good intention and full of suggestion but I remember that mostly I just wanted them to listen not simplify, normalize or pass over.
I wanted in those moments to acknowledge them and their story. And to say, if the moment was right, that they are not alone as a woman who holds on to hope and sometimes can't, that their purpose will be fully realized not beholden to any circumstance.

I used to cringe when people said it will be alright. How did they know? I find myself saying it to my daughter a lot. But I beginning to realize what it really means, what it should mean. It is going to be alright doesn't mean I can fix it but my maker will make things All Right. Right the wrong. Bring beauty from the ashes. Work all things for our good and not let the brokenness be US. Redemption. Restoration. New beginnings.

ALL RIGHT

Sara Groves
I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it but feel you're sinking in too deep
Ohh, ohh, I believe, I believe that...

It's going to be alright, it's going to be alright
I believe, you'll outlive this pain in your heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Ohh ohh, I believe, I believe that...

It's going to be alright, it's going to be alright
When some time has past us and the story can be told
It will mirror the strength and the courage of your soul
Ohh, ohh, I believe, I believe

I believe
I believe

And I did not come here to offer you clichés
And I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot then I will hold out faith for you

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

[Incomprehensible] All Right
It's going to be alright

I believe, I believe
I believe, I believe, I believe

I believe, I believe
I believe, I believe, I believe

I believe, you're gonna be alright
I believe that I'm gonna be alright
I believe that we're gonna be alright
I believe

I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And I know how you've tried but you're sinking in too deep
I believe, I believe, I believe
I believe