Friday, November 22, 2013

One Year Ago This Month


I recently realized with alarm that it had been several months since my last post. I made a promise to myself that if I were to start this thing called blogging I would be consistent. But alas I come to terms with the fact I almost never doing anything consistently besides of course drink coffee. Did I mention I drink lots of coffee?

There have been several times in which I wanted to let my thoughts tumble down into the clicks of the keyboard but when I would return to my blog, I would see the last post. A difficult time when we had to say goodbye to our puppy and I then would get lost in missing her and reminiscing.

But this time I decided especially because it is November, I will put my thoughts together and type an entry of significant importance to me.

One year ago this month we call November, my life changed.

I saw the first pictures of my daughter.

Her sweet face, smile and those mischievous clever eyes.
One year ago this month my husband and I became parents. Now, it was actually several months later that we brought her home but in our hearts, we committed to becoming her parents.

And it was a whirlwind month. I remember my husband having to travel to Chicago for work and wishing he was physically beside me as he and I began to get our heads wrapped around what was unfolding before us. Because of course, I went into typical Carrie mode attempting to figure out, plan and do everything that I thought needed to be done...all at once. And of course accomplishing nothing. Which led to my panic attack in the middle of Barnes and Noble. I remember that moment thinking...Gee my head is spinning, that loud rapid breathing is mine, oh crap I need to sit down before I fall over and pass out, take out a bookshelf or that person next to me just trying to pick out a pick unbeknowest that the chick next to them was about to unravel.

But you see, even though we waited almost seven years for this moment (seven years of up and down, hopeful and feeling hopeless) I still felt and asked myself, am I ready?

Will I be a good mom? Jared I had no doubt we be a great dad.
But what if I couldn't be the mom she needed? What if I did not have the answers or tools needed to be good parent?

Here is the thing I came to realize...are any of us really prepared for motherhood? Do any of us have it all figured out before we hold our child for the first time? I am guessing no. And I had so many questions regarding the loss she was about to experience. The loss of saying good bye to the women who had cared for her during her first year of life.
How would I help her grieve, then get used to us, to feel safe again, to feel loved when everything, I mean everything in her life was about to change. The faces of her caregivers she saw every day. Her friends in the orphanage she slept, smiled at cried with and played alongside of. The food she ate. The scenery she saw day in and out. The voices she became accustomed to and the language they spoke. And the surgeries she would be facing. How would I be able to do all this?

I couldn't really. All I could really do was love her. But I know realize that was the best thing I could do. Through each stage of getting to know us, eventually trusting us, feeling safe with us and now loving us. She has no choice but to take it a day at a time. Why should I not approach this the same way? And trust God would be there too in the thick of it with us?


I do not need to be Super-woman or Super-Mom. I need to be reminded of this daily. Because we put this burden on ourselves. Why? I am not exactly sure. These are the kinds of lessons I am learning. I will make mistakes as a mom.
All the time. I need to humble enough to ask for help. Ask God for his guidance for he will not leave me. It is okay to cry when I do fail. But try again.

Myla most of all needs us to LOVE her. And what a privilege that is. Everyday little by little I am learning what that means.

November, you will always have a place in heart.

2 comments:

  1. Another beautiful post, Carrie!

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  2. Agreed. Beautiful words from an equally lovely mother. Love you all!

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