Missing You, Sweet Spunky

We said goodbye to our sweet, sweet girl Spunky dog yesterday. I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be painful. But nothing can prepare you for the moment when you decide it is time. A heavy responsibility and so surreal the moment when they are gone.
Our hearts just in this moment want one more kiss, one more time to rub her ears her belly and one more time to snuggle, to throw her ball and watch her run. In her younger years boy, that dog could run and fast. But we are beginning to realize it will never be enough. To say I/we miss her is an understatement. A part of me is missing. A part of Jared is missing. We put so much of ourselves into her. The abscence of her presence is overwhelming.

But I look forward to the time when thinking of all the sweet moments, minutues and memories of her will bring comfort to us even joy for the 11 truly wonderful years we had with such a special being.

Some may scoff at this but I believe she is in heaven where tennis balls, swimming pools and lakes out number the stars. The attributes and traits of dogs are pure and good and unconditional. Through them we experience what is true and good.

Wise, sweet, curious, feisty, loyal, sensitive, joyful, playful and of course Spunky.

Jared and I will miss her and it will be hard. But we are so grateful for the gift of her.

Behind Our Eyes: Part one

When I began writing this blog my main motivation was to document our adoption journey; before we brought our daughter home and all the days, months and years after. It is also because I am in love with words, I am love with the magic of writing. Of language. Ink or should I say text on a page is enlightening, fascinating and when writing... a type of catharsis. I feel more connected to humanity and the human experience. Hoping that doesn't sound arrogant or full or fluff.
More than just words, I love stories. Words allow us stories. I enjoy learning about people and listening to their stories. I like to learn what is behind their eyes. And we all have stories, don’t we? This is not to say I have an innate right or a license to be nosey and know these stories. Unless, it is through the trust of friendship or someone else who needs to speak their heart, connect or simply to speak on a blog such as mine. It is important that we wait for permission to know their stories. It is important that we own our stories and share them when the time is right with the right people.
And I am thankful for the many in my life who do. Friends and those who are open to speaking thier stories on a blog.

Now, as a mother I find myself craving stories (amongst so many others) that give me a gleam into an adoptees heart. Like with many things in life we lose something to gain something.
Some of my questions include: Do they feel lost? What did/do they most struggle with? What can a parent do to help?
Many adoptees do share stories of identity loss and confusion. Many adoptees firmly state that they know who they are. Which one will Myla be?

And that is why I read. Soak in the words. Truly and sincerely try to empathize as much as I can so that I can understand (as much as anyone can who has not themselves experienced it).

So below are the words weighing on my heart if and when (when is more likely) my daughter might doubt herself.

I love you. Your dad loves you.
You have our love always, no matter what.
If we fail to love you well, know that doesn’t change that we love you with our whole being.
We are the lucky ones.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Please don’t be afraid to ask questions even if they hurt to ask.
If you find yourself in a dark place do not sit in silence. Do not stay in the dark. Let me sit there with you. Ask for help to turn on the light and help you speak the words.

You are beautiful.
You are brave.
Seek the truth.
God is with you.
Within in you are limitless possibilities.

And if anyone tells you different send them my way.

You are our beloved daughter.
And a million other thoughts I can't think of at this moment.

And while this next statment may sound contradictory, the words above don't quite cut it however they are pretty darn close to reavealing the condition of my heart so I will take it and speak and write the words anyway.

Oh Spunky, Our Time Is Too Short...

When I took two weeks off to care for my little girl Myla post surgery I did not realize I would begin spending the last days with my other girl, my sweet gorilla girl, my four legged sweetheart Miss Spunkers.

Let me start out by saying, I love her with my whole heart. Four legs, black silky fur, smart as a whip and the most amazing being. She is Jareds gal Friday and they have always been two peas in a pod. There is not a thing he would not do for her.

Now I know, they cannot live forever on this earth, no on can. But how do you prepare yourself to say goodbye to a piece of yourself?

Spunky started to show signs of aging for quite some time now. Her body has grown weaker but her spirit bright.
We started to notice something was really wrong right before our daughters palate repair surgery. We went to the vet and so began the first round of meds and the detective work to find out what was wrong. At first we though a parasite and thought okay, we can get her healthy again. But it was not to be. She started to lose her zest for eating all things tasty and needs coaxing just to eat. She wants to but she doesn't like her tummy to hurt. Every time the fridge opens click, click, click here comes Spunkers. Rotisserie chicken is her main stay (yes, our doggie has a refined palate and I will gladly give her what she wants).

At one point Jared would be feeding our daughter Myla by spoon, praising her after each bite for she did not appreciate the liquids only (doctors orders as her mouth heals) and I would simultaneously be hand feeding Spunky chicken praising her after each bite for simply eating.

There has been a lot of tears at our house.

It was during our last visit to the vet I started to let it sink in. And spoke the words, please help us during her last days so we know what to do. He nodded in understanding and I sobbed into Spunky's neck of thick black silky fur.
He gave us pain meds and something for her tummy to ease the discomfort. He did not believe she is in great pain but as we muddle through this, we want to be prepared.

Of course I asked him how will he know and he tenderly offered advice. At this point just prayers that we will know. We do not wish her to suffer (she is getting weak and losing weight).

But what a great weight it is to carry knowing that you have to be the one to decide.
But it is our job. She needs us to make it for her.

And so hear we are. Taking one day at a time. Soaking her in.
Spunky seems to save her energy for a few hours a day so we try and make sure she can do her favorite things...to play ball or swim; oh does she love to swim but then becomes so weak. We massage her body. Cover her in kisses. Tell her we are doing our best for her, thanking her for all the years, moments and minutes she was there for us. Myla loves Spunky too. Follows her. Always trying to give her a tennis ball, a treat, a pet or sit by her. This is so bittersweet.

For some who have never had a dog or pet...this may sound odd. But she took care of us.
Through our journey to have a family, job loss, sickness, struggles and triumphs.

How many people do you know that can comfort without saying a single word?
I believe dogs are gifts. They are mirrors of what love should look like. God created them and they are living breathing examples of patience (well unless a tennis ball is involved) loyalty, kindness, unconditional love.
They celebrate when we simply walk in the door.
They kiss our tears and try to lick them away.
They snuggle as if to say I am here, you are never alone.
They try to get us to enjoy the simple things.
They are grateful for their food and water (well unless table scraps are involved then they may raise the bar).
They forgive us when we are busy and are thankful and exzubratly so when we give them 10 minutes of our time.
They never hold grudges. Hmmm, sounds like someone I know who lives in the great upstairs...

And so who would have thought...my dog taught me how to be a better person.

Oh Spunky girl. These days will be tough but I am thankful to have them with you.

Thank You Ladies

I would like to take a moment to share a few things. I want to take a moment in which I can give words to the immense gratitude for the women in my life. I am not going to list names for I will inevitabley miss someone and I would not want anyone to think I have forgotten them or how they changed me.
This post will be about the gifts they have given me, how they have changed me for the better, every single one.

For making me laugh when I forgotten what it was like to really laugh. Tears streaming down your face, stomach hurts laugh.
I thank you.

For forgiving me when I did not deserve it
I thank you.

For extending grace when I made mistakes and say things out of fear or anger
I thank you.

For coming along side me in suffering and NOT pointing out the silver lining
I thank you.

For simply yet perfectly saying the right words to me during an unending winter...I am sorry to see you suffering, I am here for you
I thank you.

For listening to me even when I become extremely verbose
I thank you.

For listening to my worries over and over again and not growing tired of me or least pretending not to
I thank you.

For joining in on my sometimes ridicoulsy, sarcastic and inappropriate sense of humor
I thank you.

For not judging me when I share the ugliest parts of my heart
I thank you.

For encouraging me to pray and when I fail to, praying for me
I thank you.

For reminding me how my Father sees me and when I forget reminding me again
I thank you.

For encouraging me to join in and actively pursue this beautiful and maddening thing called life
I thank you.

For reminding me spring is coming when I have been chilled to bone
I thank you.

For reminding me to look beyond my own pain and comfort others
I thank you.

For helping me take some of my biggest life altering leaps
I thank you.

For being my friend
For just being marvelous you
No one has come before you or will after you who is just like you
God did that on purpose
And I am thankful for you.

The Last 48: Recap Style

My little girl is a brave cookie. I am sure that most parents believe this of our children. But again and again Myla amazes me. I also believe that if Myla had a super power it would be stubbornness. After morphine, benadryll, Tylenol with codeine she would not sleep for more than 10-30 minutes at a time..wait we did have an hour and a half where she surrendered and let her tired and wounded body rest. The poor nurse was baffled and in effort to add humor to the situation she told us " Good luck with her as a teenager. " The following day they eventually gave something to calm her anxiety and nerves and expected she would be mellow and sleepy in no time. Well...Miss Myla become more happy and energetic. She was walking up a storm.

Earlier that morning Myla wanted out of her hospital crib. It was 5:00 a.m. A few nurses offered to play with her while I laid down. I guiltily said okay and slept for about 30 minutes. Apparently during that time she made several friends. Greeting people at the desk. Playing and eventually falling asleep in a nurses arms. Of course they tried bringing her back into the room and her crib but after 10 minutes she wanted up again.

When dad came in (Jared had to care for our dog Spunky who has been ill, sigh) she was so excited. The combination of super dad and the medicine helped her back to more of her old self. We continued to take her on walks and rides in the wagon all the while greeting people as we went.

Eventually we were discharged and headed home. Myla feel asleep almost immediately in the car seat. We quickly zipped on over to grab some tasty Bahn Mi sandwiches to eat on the way home.

Once again I am humbled by the blessing of healthcare, the amazing staff at Gilettes and the prayers of family and friends. We are so thankful. Now the road to recovery, let's hope it starts with a good nights sleep.

Myla's Palate Surgery: part two

This is definitely the harder of her last two surgeries. But first of all, everything went well. Her hearing is good!
The surgeon was pleased with how her palate repair went as well.

Now we have been in her room for four hours. Effects of anesthesia and pain have made it hard for her to relax and sleep. She gets a couple minutes of sleep/whimpering then will cry and flail for awhile. This is the cycle we are in right now. The nurses have shared with us that most kids are groggy and sleep....no Myla. It is hard to help her through this but I know it is even harder on her.

She did drink a few ounces of her bottle which is good news. However is refusing more. She may need a new IV. Her old one got a clot in it so they wanted us to see if the bottle route would work well enough.

Myla's Palate Surgery: part one

Myla just was taken back to the OR to begin her palate surgery. She will also be undergoing a hearing test today.
She had a good time in the play area and was having a blast in pre-surgery, especially when one of the family care staff was blowing bubbles at her. Myla was chasing them and smiling her sweet smile. And then came...the tears. In her exuberant delight while trying to get out a toy car she took a spill. Bloody lip/nose and lots of tears. We felt horrible. Of all the times for this to happen. We were able to calm her down all the while three nurses and the anesthesiologist came in to examine it. We felt like we had quite the audience for a bad parenting moment. Sigh.
Poor Miss Myla. It did not help that I shouted Jared's name as it happened in alarm for everyone to hear. Sorry honey.

Below is a quick summary of how a palate repair works. The information is taken from a blog of another mom who has two kids go through this surgery before...
"In non-technical terms, to fix a cleft palate the surgeon takes/detaches the muscle and tissue from around the cleft and attaches it over the cleft.  There are arteries running in this area, allowing the newly placed tissue to thrive and grow.  Once the materials are moved, there looks almost like channels in the area the tissue was taken from.  Amazingly, this tissue grows back."

Stay tuned for more updates...hopefully I will be able to post again this afternoon.




I'm not sure how I feel about this