A Poem for My Daughter

Into this world newly born
Seperated mother and child by belief, culture and circumstance
The end of something monumnetal just as you begin this life
A loss no one should endure
One with many mothers
I know this, God never lifted his gaze from you
You were never alone though I am sure the loneliness you felt was so deep
You were brought into the fold of what would be a temporary space
Meeting many brothers and sisters in your same place
Small survivors with hope in your eyes
brave not by choice
you have endured so much in your short life

We waited for you across the ocean divide
You again were about to face goodbyes
Farewells to your little brothers and sisters
The women who cared for you each and every day
Knowing there would be tears for everythig big, small again was lost
and nothing was the same, all new
Your story has so many parts and pieces broken, mended and redeemed.
Strong and brave and beautiful you
I prayed for her, for me, for you for the forming of our family
I see you. My heart sees all that came before I held you.
I acknowledge and honor your life before me. I respect your story, more lived than in just one lifetime
No one has fought harder than the orphan
You became my daughter and I your mother. He has entrusted to me you, tender vivacious beautiful girl
I love you with every piece of me.

"Mama, Don't be Mad at Me!"

Last night at midnight this post started to form in my head. I need some type of dictation app so I don't loose my prose mojo.
So let us see what I can remember that slipped of my tounges mind so easily last night.

"Mama don't be mad at me" is just one of the statements of proclamation that come from my daughters lips lately. And at Target last night I got ambushed by all the many with of course, an audience. I will get to that in just a moment. But first, it seems that anytime my husband and I attempt address, hold accountable, teach or correct a behavior with our daughter we are greeted with "Don't me mad at me" along with crossed arms and a pouty lip so big that you could set the kitchen sink on it. I tend to get this response more often than my hubby. I am guessing this is typical? I am hoping for a resounding YES in the heads of my mother readers.

But recently these declarations have been increasing...exponentially. The other day while multi-tasking and saying no to a request for candy I heard from her "You will never be my friend." WHAT? She did not say it with a mean tone it was almost a casual sing-song. Yep my feelings were hurt. I paused for a moment and in my head thought..."That was not nice" and "Well I am her parent and not really her friend." I paused again for another moment. I asked her to repeat to me what she had just said and (my daughter does go to speech therapy and I wanted to ensure I heard it right) my request was done calmly without defensiveness....well maybe. She looked at me and shrugged her shoulders. I said to her, "Well I am not sure if that was the nicest thing to say but yes I am your mama first and I hope someday we will be friend." Some of you might be thinking uh, she is three Carrie. I know, I know. I tackled it in the moment the best way I thought I could.

Now this bring me to our Target outing. There are other proclamations but I can't list them all without going on and on but this is what happened.
We had just gone to the restroom and it was getting close to dinner so I gave in to a treat from Starbucks located inside the store. She b-lined it to the counter and as I truly think about it, she was unaware she had cut in line. I got down to her level and said "Honey, we do not cut in line. We need to wait our turn."
The unraveling began. In a string of stings she began "No, mama you hurt my feelings, Don't be made at me, You not listen" along with stomping over to a table and sitting down. And it did not end there. As I approcahed her and tried to hold her accountable yet state, "Yes I AM listening, tell Mama but you need to calm down and behave like the big girl I know you are." Faster than the speed of light out came her pointer finger and the words..."Don't you ever make me sad again".

WHAT? You can imagine what ensued. I was telling her to talk to mama kindly, more pouting on her part and so on. All of this going on while of course to older ladies staring in disapproval and one of the presumed husbands just laughing outloud. After I said "We will sit here until you are ready to try again and ask with kindess and listen to Mama." The standoff began an about 10 minutes went by and she caved. During this time I said I loved her and I need her to listen. She finally asked in her chipmunk voice..."Mama please may I have my treat?" She asked for the money, gave it to the cashier and thank her for the treat.

She is definately three going on thirteen. While some of her behaviors I'd like to work with I am also so proud of her speaking her voice and defending her personhood and feelings. But as a mom, how do I navigate this? I want to do what it is right.

I think to myself...

I am not your friend, I am your mom. I hope someday when you are an adult we will be friends.
I always want you to tell me when your feelings are hurt and when you don't feel understood.
I want you to respect your family, other people and yourself with your words and actions.

But you are just three. I pray I will learn how to teach you, guide you and support to the best of my ability as you become who you are meant to be, and not be completely grey for it.