Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Where I Once Was...

Where I Once Was...


It has been AGES since I have published a post. I must confess that I have written and begun to write many posts but either did not finish my thoughts or was afraid to vulnerable. But what is what life without sharing your thoughts and being vulnerable to an extent?

Not to long ago I had two separate encounters just hours apart. Below, I will finish what I began and share my thoughts of these two interactions that in my heart I cannot accept as simply coincidental...


Today I ran into two women. Women like me. We have a shared experience one in past and for them the present;existing in the same space, the long season where I was only three years ago. I have promised myself I will not forget that long, long season. It is part of my story. I have not yet made complete peace with all of it but I know I will in time. But I WILL remember. It was painful but I am who I am because of it. I hope with a little more perceptive, a more openess and awareness in my perceptions, more kinder more tender.

These kind wonderful women, living life, giving of themselves, working hard but having a part of themselves lost. A part of themselves in pain, lonely in their sadness of what had not come to be as they had hoped for... and desperately trying not to be. Trying to live out their lives and find joy though deep within an ache in their hearts waiting for something they desired...a child. I remember that both womean were staring at several forks in the road. Do I go down the road of adoption, infertility treatments, or beginning picturing their life as a family of two: Husband and wife? And yes, you are a family if is just husband and wife (and maybe a puppy too).Please don't let any ones rhetoric or logical and limiting definitions tell you different.

As I wrote these words several songs come to mind. Not surprising. Ever heard lyrics to a song that just matched your heart?

There were so many things I wanted to say. But I tried mostly to listen. People often gave me advice with good intention and full of suggestion but I remember that mostly I just wanted them to listen not simplify, normalize or pass over.
I wanted in those moments to acknowledge them and their story. And to say, if the moment was right, that they are not alone as a woman who holds on to hope and sometimes can't, that their purpose will be fully realized not beholden to any circumstance.

I used to cringe when people said it will be alright. How did they know? I find myself saying it to my daughter a lot. But I beginning to realize what it really means, what it should mean. It is going to be alright doesn't mean I can fix it but my maker will make things All Right. Right the wrong. Bring beauty from the ashes. Work all things for our good and not let the brokenness be US. Redemption. Restoration. New beginnings.

ALL RIGHT

Sara Groves
I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it but feel you're sinking in too deep
Ohh, ohh, I believe, I believe that...

It's going to be alright, it's going to be alright
I believe, you'll outlive this pain in your heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Ohh ohh, I believe, I believe that...

It's going to be alright, it's going to be alright
When some time has past us and the story can be told
It will mirror the strength and the courage of your soul
Ohh, ohh, I believe, I believe

I believe
I believe

And I did not come here to offer you clichés
And I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot then I will hold out faith for you

It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright

[Incomprehensible] All Right
It's going to be alright

I believe, I believe
I believe, I believe, I believe

I believe, I believe
I believe, I believe, I believe

I believe, you're gonna be alright
I believe that I'm gonna be alright
I believe that we're gonna be alright
I believe

I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And I know how you've tried but you're sinking in too deep
I believe, I believe, I believe
I believe