Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Making Peace and Giving Grace

This is a deep thought moment that has been stirring in my brain for so long and it applies to so many moments in my life. I am almost afraid of writing these words for the what will follow are realizations of loss and regrets and of my short comings and my need to grow as a human being. Also, a nervousness of things that may be realized once pen has met paper or keystrokes and a keyboard bring it to a black on white certainty.

Gulp, Here goes nothing!

When we grieve and struggle often our ugliest stuff comes to light. Who we think we were has been tested and revealed. We hopefully land somewhere between a path to a better version of ourselves but also the hard work of needing to deal with the messes within. And to take it all the way and make peace with each and every part (which I know will take a lifetime).

My road to motherhood was not an easy one. I am not alone in this. When I write these words I am not asking for pity but perhaps a bit of grace and understanding for the words I am wiritng.
Many, many people have climbed more mountains than they ever thought they would have to. There were times I thought... this is my mountain and I will climb it with perseverance and determination. Then I would make it to the top only to discover there were many more taller, rocker mountains waiting. And at times I would just weep at the bottom looking up and feeling defeated. My feelings would range from anger to frustration to emptiness. And many times I would dust off and begin again but not with Him alongside me. And the growth would not happen. I would be stuck. But then I would open the window and the growing pains could begin.

Please don't mistake these next words...
Being a spouse, a daughter, a mother, a sister, a friend, does not define who we are. The culmination of these things shape us but none alone give us worth or purpose. I do not believe I need a spouse, a white picket fence, 2.2 children and a dog to be whole. But we are told this from society early on. Now with saying this I am not DE validating the desire for any of these things or denying how much I love being married to my best friend or that little Miss Myla came in our lives. But what is dangerous is when to do believe our worth is being this or that. But let me tell you, I have been that person and it levels you and shakes you.

A wise pastor once said " I think God is most concerned with not necessarily what job we hold, or where we live, or if single or married...he cares what we do with where we are and how we live if only to be an example of Him. While we will never be perfect we can still try to love BIG. It is scary but worth it.

Sounds simple doesn't it? But SO incredibly difficult in reality.
There are times when I have thought I am pretty decent human being and other when I thought myself to be a pretty rotten one as well.

Why so difficult? We are just that, human.
I am learning it takes a lifetime to learn and grow. I know I will make many of the same mistakes.
In life we cannot get straight A's. But sometimes we try. We will fail, almost certainly. But we will grow if only we give ourselves grace and try to make peace with the fact we will experience failure.

And although I have failed at the philosophy stated below…
"Try and be better in spite of it verses bitter because of it."
I will try to be more open to it and the grace I know my Father gives me and in turn maybe... give myself a little grace as well.

I hope it is okay that I make one request...
Today try and give yourself grace for feelings you are not proud of. Make peace with one part of yourself you have been way over critical of. You are growing, you are learning and never forget even though there are days it is hard to believe..."You are fearfully and wonderfully made." The big dude upstairs says so.

And Myla, if you read this one day. I am sorry for the times I have failed to love you well. But know I always...love you. Mom is learning.